Dust off your gun belts and bust out your pirate flags: Our weekly tailgating guide returns to Texas, this time stopping in Lubbock for Texas Tech's date with Oklahoma.

The Lowdown.
The thing that makes Lubbock special is that you have to really, really want to get there. It's nowhere near a major city; most Red Raider alums of our acquaintance make the five-hour drive from Dallas every game day, which has the effect of making the crowd that much more emotionally invested in the game.

Couple that with the relatively small size of Jones Stadium (around 59,000 capacity) and you get more of a personal feel to the victory vibes. It's a lot like a high school environment, and we mean that in the best way. Everyone you'll meet is fired up like it's their own kid playing out there. This feeling will only be magnified if you can manage to score a school ID and watch the game from the best seats in the house, the Double T on the grass. And make sure to snap a picture of the decrepit Double T scoreboard, as well, a source of ironic pride for many fans.

We assure all doubters, West Texas hospitality is not a myth. Lubbock has an exaggerated reputation for being unfriendly to visitors, but as with any school worth its tailgating cred, you've just got to behave and they'll open right up. Engage politely with a local and you'll find yourself stuffed to the gills with delicious barbecue before you know it. Added bonus: Lubbock's once-stringent blue laws have been relaxed, making beer available for purchase within the city limits.

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Lame game(s) of the week.

Bottom of the barrel: Louisville (4-6) at South Florida (6-3)
The battle for the fifth-place slot in the Big East pits two distinct brands of disappointment against one another. On one hand, you've got USF, a puckish program still in its adolescence, following up an 8-5 season and a bowl victory in 2008 and a five-game win streak to open this season with a particularly gruesome twist on its traditional midseason slump -- namely, three losses in the past four weeks, punctuated by the stick end of last Thursday's 31-0 beating at Rutgers.

On the other, there's Louisville, a once-proud outfit fallen into serious disrepair under the stewardship of Steve Kragthorpe, whose precious insistence that he won't be fired this winter continues to charm knowing audiences across America. Our favorite spin to date:

I know there's people that don't like me, don't like way I do things. If they don't want to come support me, that's fine, but I think they need to come and support these players.

We'd be with you out of principle, coach, but we have to sympathize with Louisville fans: There's something about a 10-9 win over Syracuse that leaves us cold, too.

The rest of the worst:
• Colorado State (3-7) at New Mexico (0-10)
Winner of this rugged pillow fight gets to clamber out of last place in the Mountain West! Yes, when you're writing about teams that have combined to go 0-12 in MWC games that's something to get excited about! (Seriously, Colorado State, is everything alright? We had such high hopes for you after that 3-0 start. We know doctors if you need help.)

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To the apparent surprise of the Minnesota football community, prohibiting alcohol sales in their new stadium somehow hasn't put a stop to college students drinking themselves into oblivion on game days. We know. We're as shocked as you are.

The Gophers aren't alone in this plight. But they are deploying a new approach to deter repeat offenders while keeping the student section packed -- Breathalyzer tests at the gate:

Modeled after a program at the University of Wisconsin, Check BAC (pronounced check back) allows student season-ticket holders who are ejected from a game for intoxication offenses to attend future games by submitting to blood alcohol testing. Students under 21 must be alcohol-free; those 21 or older cannot exceed a BAC of 0.08.
[...]
"If you want to go to a game again, you have to show us you're sober next time," said Sharon Dzik, the director of the university’s student conduct office.

While less cunningly named than Wisconsin's "Show and Blow" initiative, Minnesota officials do seem pleased with the program's progress, and we applaud the university for skirting more heavy-handed disciplinary measures -- especially when you recall that this is the school that made headlines for hosting an ill-fated bathroom tryst between a pair of drunk patrons during last November's finale at the Metrodome. We do wonder, though, how many students will take entering the stadium stone cold sober as a challenge to get completely plastered by halftime by more clandestine means.

For those who do, we may have spotted an incentive: Being diverted to the breathalyzer line actually sounds like a great way to avoid standing in the longer queues to enter the regular gates -- get thrown out late in the fourth quarter this week, and get your own special entrance next week! Quick puff, no waiting! Sign up today!*

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* Dr. Saturday reminds you to please binge drink responsibly.
Hat tip: Blutarsky. Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.

If it's Wednesday, we're rounding up your recommended weekly allowance of piping-hot divisional MACtion. Here's what's on hand to entertain you through the end of Humpday.

• Buffalo (3-7) at Miami, Ohio (1-10)
You wouldn't know it to look at them know, but Buffalo used to be somebody. Was it really just last year the Bulls knocked off undefeated Ball State in the MAC title game, and Turner Gill was the trendy name to bandy about for bigger and better head coaching gigs around the country? Yeah, that was last year: The '09 iteration of Buffalo is 3-7, with one conference win, which may be enough to take the bloom off Gill's rose as the hot commodity in his profession, but in the miserable MAC East still isn't enough knock the Bulls all the way down to the division cellar.

No, that dubious honor belongs to 1-10 Miami (Ohio), which we would resent for making us do the parentheses thing except that we genuinely feel bad for the RedHawks at this point. They were shut out twice, 42-0 and 48-0 at the hands of Kentucky and Boise State, respectively, to open the season, and rank dead last nationally in turnover margin. Quarterback Zac Dysert has decent passing numbers, generally (he's put up four 300-yard games), but his 15 interceptions in nine games is one of the highest numbers in the country, and he's been sacked more times than any other quarterback. The offensive lines struggles are also apparent in the ground game: The RedHawks' two leading rushers are Dysert and Thomas Merriweather, and neither's season total clears 300 yards.

In other Z-themed quarterback news, Buffalo's Zach Maynard is having a similarly frustrating year. Although he'll also likely come close to the 3,000-yard mark by year's end, he's put up 13 interceptions, including two apiece in three of the last four games. But the Bulls at least have a faint semblance of a ground attack against Miami's 100th-ranked run defense, which should serve them well with leading receiver Naaman Roosevelt on ice with a knee injury.

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The week in the undercards.

Home stretch.
As we wind down the regular season and focus shifts to end-of-year rivalry games, conference championships and BCS jockeying, the nation's best-positioned mid-major conference is easing into cruise control. Five schools from outside the six heavyweight BCS leagues are ranked in this week's BCS top 25, and three hail from the Mountain West.

And deservedly or not (we maintain that BYU is playing lazy and that Utah doesn't deserve anyone's vote with only one win -- an overtime escape against Air Force -- against a winning team), two of them are there to stay barring absolute disaster. The Cougars and Utes will meet the Saturday after Thanksgiving for their regular season swan song, and between them they have only to get by San Diego State (cake!) and Air Force (rock cake!) in the interim. TCU has what should be two sure things in matchups with Wyoming and New Mexico, and has consistently proven over the last five weeks that it's perfectly aware of the gaudy numbers sometimes required to gain the attention of poll voters. Look for scattered purple point showers for the remainder of November, and for the will-they-or-won't-they talk of expanding to a new, Boise State-infused super-conference to reach fever pitch soon thereafter.

So, how did our upstart top ten darlings fare this weekend?

• The Horned Frogs took Utah to the pain, 55-28, gaining 549 total yards and 32 first downs along the way while holding the Utes to 284 and eleven. The star of the TCU sideline was freshman running back Ed Wesley, who had a career day with 137 yards (curiously, making him the first player in the Frogs' top-five rushing attack with a 100-yard effort this year against a I-A defense) and a touchdown on only 12 carries.

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Snap judgments on Saturday's best.

Teachers' Pet: Dexter McCluster, whose fleet feet appear to be peaking just in time to meet a talented but injury-ravaged (and arguably distracted) Tennessee defense. The highlight of the senior's career day in Oxford was gaining more yards all by his lonesome than either Florida or Alabama managed as an entire team against the Vols.

Most Unlikely Couple: Pete Carroll and the Las Vegas Bowl. Slipping to fifth in the Pac-10 standings after being curb-stomped at the Coliseum, a waltz into the Rose Bowl for the annual blowout date with the Big Ten's ritual sacrifice is no longer in the cards, mathematically or otherwise. (Oh, and remember Toby Gerhart? Another 178 yards on the ground for him against the big bad Trojans. Yeah, no big deal.)

Most Creative: C.J. Spiller, who added to his growing legend with one rushing, one receiving, and one passing touchdown to lead Clemson to a 43-23 victory over N.C. State.

Mister Personality: We can't believe Charlie Weis' job is in danger due in part to the actions of Dave Wannstedt. Shouldn't Pitt be losing games they have no business even trailing in by this point in the season? Because, somehow, they're not.

Most School Spirit: Georgia safety Bacarri Rambo made the play of the game in Georgia's 31-24 win over Auburn, breaking up what almost certainly would've been the tying touchdown pass with just over a minute left to play -- and paid for it, suffering a concussion on the collision with Mario Fannin that left him motionless on the turf for several long minutes and required him to be carted off the field on a backboard. It was one of those Obi-Wan, "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine" moments that may end up being a rallying point in the Bulldogs' most difficult seasons in years.

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Another week, another next-to-useless Friday night game. Tonight's offering: Temple at Akron. Why we're flipping back and forth from the Cincinnati-West Virginia headliner, aside from the inescapable sad truth that we're addicts.

Please consult your inner 14-year-old. Best reason to watch: Because any time there's a Temple victory, there's a better than even chance the announcer will make this faux pas, pioneered after the Owls' first win of the Al Golden era in 2006:

We hope Justin Kutcher and Tom Lugenbill were forced to watch that in their "What Not to Do" preparation for tonight's broadcast. Just remember it's a family show, guys.

Al Golden, Argonaut. Check out the big brain on Temple! The perennial sad sacks of the MAC are undefeated in conference and, bizarrely enough, have only two straight losses at the beginning to Penn State and, um, I-AA Villanova. (Yes, in football. We know.) Now in his fourth season, Golden has taken the Owls from laughingstock to unexpected regional powerhouse, comfortably perched atop the ruling class of the MAC East. This has been accomplished almost entirely on the ground, with the help of the nation's third-ranked rusher, freshman Bernard Pierce, a stingy rushing defense and almost no passing to speak of. That's all well and good, by the way; Akron's 31st-ranked pass defense is about the only major statistical category where the Zips crack the top fifty.

With Kent State and Ohio U. remaining after tonight's trip, it's not hard to imagine Temple in a more-than-respectable postseason scenario, and Golden interviewing for, say, the Virginia job come January (they wouldn't even have to change Al Groh's monogramed towels!).

Fear the Roo. Nothing else, but definitely the Roo. Other than the fact that they bear responsibility for the most nation's most feared marsupial mascot, Zippy, and this bewildering shirt, there's not a whole lot to recommend the Zips lately. Also early losers to Penn State, their only conference win (in fact, their only win against a I-A opponent) came last week against 5-5 Kent State. They rank 109th in the country in total offense and aren't really good at anything apart from defending the occasional pass -- and who needs to throw against a team that's allowed 200-plus yards on the ground to Central Michigan, Syracuse and Northern Illinois?

Temple is ... the future of badass running? We never thought in August that we'd be typing this about a skill player from perenially low-octane Temple, but keep an eye on this Pierce kid. In 10 games he's racked up 1,211 yards and -- this is where it gets interesting -- hasn't fumbled once. Again, as a freshman. He also seems to be peaking at the right time, delivering three of his best four games on the ground in the last three weeks, including a high of 267 yards against Navy, and should have a banner night against Akron's 89th-ranked rushing defense.

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Temple and Akron kick off at 8:30 p.m. ET on ESPNU.
Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.

Our weekly tailgating guide is back in SEC country for Auburn's sojourn to Georgia, the Deep South's Oldest Rivalry. Bring your spare liver and make sure your plastic surgeon is on speed dial.

The Lowdown. Whether you're a grizzled SEC partisan or a first-timer, the Georgia-Auburn weekend is one of the must-see experiences of college football. The rivalry dates back more than a century, but isn't particularly nasty (though some old-timers still insist on bringing the hate), so you'll get more chances to make friends with strangers and fewer cocktails flung in your face.

The word that best sums up the gameday experience is abundance: Lots of people, lots of tents, lots of food, lots of booze. There are so many people milling about that you can pretty much just sidle up to any tailgate you want, act like you know half the people there, and start drinking their beer; it's kind of like "Wedding Crashers" without the wedding. And contrary to what you might have heard, they're pretty welcoming to opposing fans. Take advantage of this last -- Georgia's female population is among the very finest in the country. (Friend of the blog Clay Travis suggests this has something to do with the HOPE scholarship, a program that allows any high school student in the state with a B average to attend Georgia for free, and the leftover tuition money being delegated to, er, certain cosmetic enhancements for coeds. We've seen no evidence to disprove this.)

Know before you go: You can avoid a lot of traffic by coming into central Athens on the Route 10 loop, getting off at the U.S. 441 exit, taking a right on College Avenue, and following that into downtown. If you're prepared to do some hunting (and some walking), you can find cheap parking, and as long as you're not on a yellow curb you won't get towed. You're restricted from setting up tailgates until 7 a.m. on Saturday morning, and that time is strictly enforced. You can find answers to most of your gameday logistics questions at this handy site. Above all else, be prepared to hike. A lot. The campus stretches on endlessly from north to south, but it's a gorgeous walk this time of year.

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Lame game(s) of the week.

Bottom of the barrel: Syracuse (3-6) at Louisville (3-6)
Aww, twinsies! Tied for seventh in the Big East on account of having three wins and zero conference victories apiece, the Orange and Cardinals entered the season with ... well, not great expectations, but strident hopes of some semblance of a turnaround. Cardinal coach Steve Kragthorpe had to know it would take a respectable trip to the postseason to save his job after bowl-less seasons, but as the season winds down all he's got to show for it is another losing season on the horizon and some gallows humor about Jon Gruden.

As for Syracuse, remember those halcyon days of summer when Greg Paulus came to town and Doug Marrone was going to turn this team around on a wave of gutsy media darlingdom, and then this happened? Stop me if you've heard this one before, but Paulus is still a gamebreaker, still not in a good way, and 'Cuse has only a surprise upset of Northwestern to its credit in terms of quality wins.

But hey, Greg Paulus was a basketball player! Have you guys heard about that?

The rest of the worst:
• Florida State (4-5) at Wake Forest (4-6)
Shouldn't Wake Forest be 5-5? The Demon Deacons always feel like a 5-5 team no matter the caliber of football, and they're a good bet to get there Saturday. With one-man offense Christian Ponder finished for the season, there's absolutely no reason anymore to keep Florida State on your radar until some riled-up alums try to force Bobby Bowden out in December. The 'Noles' backup quarterback, E.J. Manuel, has completed one of four passes this year, and their best runner (Jermaine Thomas) hasn't even cracked 500 yards on the ground after nine games. The once-vaunted Seminole D is ranked 105th in the country, sandwiched cozily between Memphis and North Texas. And if FSU pulls the upset in Winston-Salem (Wake is a four-point favorite), it will mark four straight defeats to Wake Forest, automatically triggering the "Manchurian Candidate" mechanism in Deion Sanders and Peter Boulware. You know that's not going to end well for anybody.

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It's Toledo at Central Michigan in Wednesday night divisional MACtion! An outside chance at minor bowl eligibility on the line! This matchup between the first- and fourth-place Western Division teams on a weeknight caught our eye for one reason: A looming showdown between the MAC's answers to Jevan Snead and Tim Tebow.

In this corner, Rust Belt Tebow ... Dan LeFevour!
The pride of Mid-Major Monday is having a bit of a down year. What qualifies a "down year" for Chippewa quarterback and all-purpose folk hero Dan LeFevour is more than 1,800 yards passing through nine games, 16 touchdowns, and the best pass efficiency rating in the MAC with five games over 300 yards' worth of total offense. Why is this a letdown? Because there's really no way for him to equal his 2007 output of 3,652 yards, and even last year's 2,784 is looking like too high a  hurdle to clear. As far as the Tebow comparison, there's some rushing in there too -- he has an additional 548 yards and nine scores on the ground -- although there's little chance of him healing the sick or ascending directly into the afterlife if the NFL's not interested.

And in this corner Rust Belt Jevan Snead ... Aaron Opelt!
All right, so lighting up Colorado for four touchdown passes isn't exactly torching Texas Tech in the Cotton Bowl, but Opelt's neck and neck with the hyped Ole Miss gunslinger this year, accumulating 1,863 yards to Snead's 1,850, and like Ole Miss, the Rockets have struggled throughout the season despite early hopes of contending for division titles. The offense has struggled without him -- Toledo is 1-3 in the last four games, which Opelt has either missed altogether or been too banged up to go the whole way -- but should be back at full strength after a week off.

For the cheap seats: This means points.
Central Michigan's only losses are fairly respectable, to Arizona and Boston College. Toledo needs to take two of its last three to become bowl-eligible. The over/under on this game is 61, and frankly we think that's soft, with neither squad all that fond of that whole "pass defense" concept: The Rockets have given up at least 30 points in every game this year but one and are at or near the bottom of the conference in passing, total and scoring D. In thee games against the Rocket D, LeFevour has averaged 286 total yards, accounted for nine touchdowns with no turnovers and, most importantly, no defeats.

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Toledo and Central Michigan kick off at 8 p.m. Eastern on ESPN2. Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.