Mon Mar 23 11:19am EDT
The Doc, Holly Anderson and Doug Gillett present their infallible guesses at what awaits in the week ahead. Lest you doubt our powers: When we say Bill Stewart will open a Twitter account, you better believe Bill Stewart will open a Twitter account.
• A bootleg video of Nick Saban in a golf cart mowing down a lollygagging freshman cornerback will draw thousands of YouTube hits and engender fury from around the state by the end of the week -- all of it directed at the player, because would Jeff Demps get beat by a dang golf cart I don't think so son Roll Tahd!.
• Meanwhile, as draft chatter intensifies, former Crimson Tide lineman Andre Smith will reveal a shocking secret on Tuesday: The extra weight he carried to the NFL combine and his unimpressive pro day workout is actually the result of a twin he absorbed in the womb. Tennessee head coach Lane Kiffin will immediately begin recruiting the twin.
• To accelerate efficiency in in-state recruiting, the Texas legislature will pass a bill at Mack Brown's behest automatically committing the top-10 percent of Texas high school players to the Longhorns until further notice.
• On Thursday, former Miami quarterback Robert Marve will sign a letter of intent with New York City's renowned Fashion Institute of Technology. A press release from the school the following morning will praise Marve's "pouty lips and supple calves."
• Coach Paul Wulff's attempt to "fire up" Washington State for the start of spring drills Thursday will end abruptly when safety Chima Nwachukwu and three-fourths of the Cougars' starting defensive line are rushed to the campus medical center to treat minor burns.
• South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia will date "The Hills" star Lauren Conrad for three whirlwind days at mid-week, but the couple will break up after each realizes they have absolutely no clue who the other one is or why they're supposed to be famous.
• Riots will break out in upscale shopping areas across Southern California Wednesday when stores are inadequately stocked and staffed for the rush accompanying the launch of Pete Carroll's new line of skincare products, "You Angels."
• Ordered to dramatically slash their travel budget, Texas A&M will suspend team travel to all away games and instead ask their road opponents if they can just decide the game online via EA Sports' NCAA 2K9 on XBox Live.