Wednesday night football! Conference USA action! Who's jacked for Tulsa's trip to UTEP this fine American evening? We are, but that may be the flu meds talking. Why we're tuning in, and why you should join us (just don't get close enough to get sneezed on):

Tulsa's got some clobberin' time to make up.
Holding their own about as well as can be expected after the departure of offensive mastermind Gus Malzahn to Auburn, the Golden Hurricane's only losses have come at the hands of the two ranked teams they've played thus far: A 45-0 death march through Oklahoma in September and a 28-21 heartbreaker last week against Boise State. This looks like a good week for Tulsa to get its head right and prep for the crucial Conference USA match of the season, a home date with Houston two weeks out. It's a favorable matchup, points-wise -- the (weirdly singular) 'Cane are fielding their usual high-scoring offense with a solid, 12th-ranked turnover margin, facing a UTEP quarterback Trevor Vittatoe, who's thrown more picks than touchdowns so far. Look for the Miners to instead put their trust (and the ball) in the hand of the excellently-named Donald Buckram, a former Mid-Major Monday player of the week who's well on his way to cracking the 1,000-yard mark and who hasn't lost the ball yet.

UTEP's no longer a punchline. Not a funny one, anyway.
This is not to say Tulsa can afford to look ahead too much, because yes, we're talking about that UTEP, erstwhile C-USA doormat, favorite punching bag of the big, bad Longhorns and yet, somehow, also the the shocking defiler of Houston's BCS-bustin' dreams earlier this year. (Sill our favorite stat of the season: The Miners scored more points in their upset of the Cougars than they gained in total yards against Texas a week earlier.) Coming off an insanely front-loaded schedule -- in addition to the Cougars and 'Horns, El Paso's already faced and been predictably brutalized by Kansas -- you certainly couldn't blame UTEP for losing a step or two (though gift-wrapping a victory for Memphis last week was inexcusable). But the Miners need to shore up for just this one more night to get through to the smooth and creamy center of the conference slate.

El Paso? Still a punchline. A scary punchline. Full of clowns.
There are thin places in this world, children, where weird and wacky things just always seem to happen when the sun goes down. If you're a college football fan, you know them by heart, these places you just know in the marrow of your bones you don't want to play at night. Lubbock. Columbia. The greatest of these is El Paso, where we're almost positive giant bats roam the streets without fear after dark and things like this get captured on national television cameras. Will noted night prowler Mike Price actually bury that axe of his in someone's skull on the run in? Will the entire Tulsa team be intercepted en route to the stadium and funneled across the border to human traffickers in Juarez? Neither would surprise us, frankly. Stay tuned.

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Tulsa and UTEP kick off at 8 p.m. Eastern on ESPN. Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.