The pretentious kids have "Twilight," drooling sadists have the fascinating-because-it-exists "Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day," and college football fans have what Hollywood hopes will be their big cinematic date of the year this weekend with "The Blind Side," the glossy-looking adaptation of Michael Lewis' critically hailed 2006 book of the same name. Lewis wrote the best college football book of the decade by chronicling Michael Oher's transition from poverty to one of the most sought-out linemen in the country, first by college scouts and then by the NFL, and using Oher's position as a window into the evolution of the game and the increasing value of the rare specimen who can dominate at left tackle.

It was, in other words, very much a football book, with some gritty but ultimately uplifting sociology balancing the scales. When the first trailers appeared this summer, it was obvious what we were getting instead was a bit of by-the-numbers hokum that bordered on "chick flick" status and obliterated the scales with a metric ton of predictable sentiment:

But don't take my word for it, now that the professionals have had their say. And quite a few critics, actually, are willing to play along with the film's "feel-good" vibe: The Washington Post admires "a straightforward lack of cheap sentiment that saves it from being either too maudlin or saccharine-sweet," and the L.A. Times lauds director John Lee Hancock for giving the film "as much humor as heart." The Austin Chronicle and Boston Globe both praise Sandra Bullock for saving the movie from "cuddliness" and "emotional garishness," respectively; USA Today likes it "strong performances" and -- hark! -- "strong football scenes." The real-life couple depicted in the movie reportedly loves it; Kenneth Starr reportedly cried at the premiere. (Why was Ken Starr at the premiere of a schlocky football movie? Why not?)

Other, let's say headier publications, on the other hand, found the film's redemption story less "feel-good" and more "insidious" and "racist" in its central theme of "wide-eyed black naif finds his way only through the hard work and benevolence of middle-class white patrons," and didn't hold back:

Chicago Tribune: "Oher, portrayed as a near-mute saint by Quinton Aaron, has been sidelined in his own story. ... at its queasiest 'The Blind Side' veers perilously close to the concept of poverty tourism."

Portland Oregonian: "Author Michael Lewis wrote an absorbing book about Oher, tackling issues of race, class, religion and the evolution of gridiron strategy. ... which might make some fret that his tale would be massaged into a facile, feel-good fable that substitutes cliché for reality at nearly every turn. Sadly, they'd be right."

The Onion (A.V. Club): "In the character of "Big Mike" ... the film suggests a gentle, oversized puppy in need of adoption. (The family that takes him in literally picks him up from the streets during a rainstorm, like a stray. All that's missing are the children pleading, "Mom, can we keep him?")

The Village Voice: "In every scene, Oher is instructed, lectured, comforted, or petted like a big puppy; he is merely a cipher (Aaron has, at most, two pages of dialogue), the vehicle through which the kind-hearted but imperfect whites surrounding him are made saintlier. 'Am I a good person?' Leigh Anne asks Sean non-rhetorically—as if every second in this film weren't devoted to canonizing her."

So there you have it: "The Wire," it is not. If that's your standard for racially-charged rags-to-riches stories, you might want to skip the theater and check Netflix again to see if "The Hurt Locker" is available yet. But hey, maybe the coaches' cameos in "The Blind Side" will be worth it.

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All reviews via Metacritic.