As an amateur observer, you probably think college stars Percy Harvin and Michael Crabtree are absurd athletes and proven winners that any team on any level would be beating its brains out to recruit, draft, sign or otherwise employ. That, reader, is why you're just sitting at a desk, staring blankly at a screen, trying to keep your expanding gut off the space bar. Because if you actually knew anything, like the professionals, you might be able to grasp what the prospect of drafting Harvin, Crabtree or Rey Maualuga is really like:

One top-ranking official, who said he would not draft any of them, compared the exercise to trying to decide between whether he’d rather eat cow manure, drink monkey urine or ingest rabbit turds.

So there you have it: The consensus All-American who caught 41 touchdown passes, led his team to the greatest season in school history and was never arrested, suspended or quoted in any remotely controversial way is not only not worth drafting, but is no more valuable to a team than consuming various forms of animal excrement. The same official said he feels ill when he considers watching sunsets on the beach, test-driving sleek sports cars or receiving greeting cards from his grandmother.

Actually, none of the likely first-rounders -- Harvin, Crabtree, Maualuga, Vontae Davis and B.J. Raji -- cited last week by Pro Football Weekly's panel of NFL honchos as risky picks because of "suspect track records" was ever "in trouble" at any point in their college career, via arrest or suspension (though Raji and Crabtree both missed seasons due to academics before working their way back into school and their teams' good graces). Read the tea leaves, though, and the red flags everywhere: Harvin has issues with "coachability" and "respect for authority" (based on this, maybe?); Crabtree's "abnormally large ego" can't finish once he's had a taste of success; Maualuga may be prone to struggle with accountability, intelligence and "ability to responsibly handle alcohol"; and Raji reportedly failed a drug test while in college (a "verified" failed drug test, specifically, which presumably distinguishes it from the sketchy rumors about Raji, Harvin and Davis the last couple weeks). All have big question marks about their "maturity."

Just a reminder the next time you're really impressed by one your favorite college stars: In all likelihood, if at any point in college they acted like college-aged males, your stars make the scouts sick.