Our weekly tailgating guide takes you down Little Havana way ... wait, they tore down the Orange Bowl? And now we have to watch this game in a stadium named after a Jimmy Buffett-branded beer? You're killing me, Miami, and not in any of the usual ways.

The Lowdown.
Miami is a perennial lock for our list of top five favorite places to lose ten days when we meant to only stay three. However, we haven't been to a game there since they were playing in the beloved (if rickety) Orange Bowl, and while we're sure Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Dolphins/Land Shark Stadium is very nice, we wonder how anything will ever match the creepy grandeur of that sweaty old haunt. (Unless somebody wises up and actually grafts on the giant hovering shark fin depicted here to house, I dunno, an army of SkyCam drones? Floating skyboxes? We could get on board with that.)

Quoth a Miami grad of our acquaintance, "The days of eating arepas and meat-on-a-stick in Little Havana while drinking copious amounts of Presidente and pre-mixed Cuba Libres before fighting your way into the Orange Bowl are no more," and that's a shame, really. These days the experience is a little more generic, a little less rowdy, but far, far more comfortable. (Also much safer, if you're into that sort of thing.)  Complicating matters, the 'Canes' new digs are a good 15 miles north, 20 minutes from downtown and 40 minutes from campus with traffic.

What we're hearing over and over again from our Miami friends is that the tailgating experience is still very much a work in progress, still grasping for its identity. The new gameday paradigm is strictly a parking lot scene, and thanks to stadium regulations that parking lot doesn't even open until four hours before kickoff. For those of you concerned with reaching your maximum alcoholic potential, however, keep in mind that the 'Canes play in an NFL stadium, where delicious overpriced beer flows freely through the third quarter.

A note on ticket sales: Thanks to the relatively small student body at Miami and the distance to the stadium, games here never sell out. If you're ticket-less upon arrival, your best bet is to sidestep the myriad scalpers and potential scammers and just pay up at the gate.

And some words of warning on decorum, from two of our embedded 'Canes:

Pace yourself. Nobody likes to be found face down in the men's room at Goldrush at six in the morning. I know, I know, you're from [insert massively huge public university college town here] and things can get pret-ty crazy in [insert massively huge public university college town here]. I get it. I do. Here's thing ... a good night of partying in [insert massively huge public university college town here] doesn't involve South Beach, and you're gonna need your stamina for that. Plus, 'Canes fans can get kinda violent sometimes, so it's best not to get so drunk that you can't fend off an angry mob of 16-year-olds in the parking lot, should the need arise. 

That said:

While you're visiting South Florida, feel free to do what you can't do in your civilized place of residence: Drink late, act the fool, wear shirts with rhinestones (men) and show your lady parts in public (girls). Think of every stereotype you've ever heard about Miami, multiply it by 10, and the world is yours.

We can vouch for this first point, at least. Miami fans are a gleefully hostile lot, and we love them unreservedly for it.

What to Wear.
For the gentlemen, any combination of the following: Outdated U jerseys (Michael Irvin or Ken Dorsey are standard issue), Euro sunglasses, Armani shorts, the shirt you wore clubbing the night before, and camo shorts are always a thoughtful touch. Ladies, break out the best push-up bras you have (if you haven't visited your plastic surgeon lately), tank tops and cheer shorts. Big sunglasses and body paint complete the look.

Pregame Stops.
N/A, for reasons of geography. Your best bet is just to drive or cab it in in time for the parking lot to open, and set up at the stadium itself. In early October it's going to be a balmy 85-90 degrees, so bring a tent or be prepared to make friends fast. (And if you're on the prowl for new tailgating buddies, keep an eye out for those lucky stalwarts rocking the Daiquiri Whackers. They're real, and they're spectacular.) Line your stomach for later with churrasco steak, beans and rice, and the occasional barbecued meat product.

Postgame Stops.
The after-party scene -- it is Miami -- begins late and goes until early. This is where you'll make up any ground lost, BAC-wise, in traveling back and forth to the stadium. (This is also where we remind you to avail yourselves of a cab or sober pal, because there's nothing in walking distance of wherever you are.) From here, you'll split up along demographic lines and head to your drinking districts. For the college set, it's Destination: Coconut Grove. The "premier" crowd goes to South Beach, and the young professionals hit Brickell. Our Miami correspondents recommend:

• Sandbar, 3426 Main Highway.
• Tavern in the Grove, 3416 Main Highway.
• Barracuda, 3035 Fuller Street.
• Segafredo, 1421 South Miami Avenue.
• Dolores but you can call me Lolita, 1000 S Miami Avenue.

What to Drink.
Listen to the veterans here: Forget the mojitos and other drinks that require work and ingredients, stick to Presidente, rum/bourbon and coke, and if you're lucky, a frozen drink. In the stadium, steer clear of the kitschy Landshark Lager and the overpriced Heineken and just go straight for the 22-ounce Miller Light. It's beer, and it's watery enough to keep you relatively hydrated in the blazing October sun.

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Thanks to loyal 'Canes TGB and Lt. Winslow and Apdirtybird.
Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.