Our weekly tailgating guide drags you kicking and screaming to the gates of Gainesville, which sounds unpleasant but is nothing next to what'll be going on inside. Wear a helmet.

The Lowdown. If you're a Florida fan, you already know what you're in for, and your otherwise dormant predatory instincts are beginning to pique. If you're a fellow Tennessee fan venturing to the Swamp for the first time this weekend, you clearly have no idea.

To its credit, the stadium is a complete horrorshow for visitors, and occasionally even for faint-of-heart locals. It's steep. It's loud. It's the level of Hell that Dante missed. There's a battleship bell hung up in there that they don't even ring. They don't need to. And in addition to creating the traditional sensory overload of hate, partisans this year may also enjoy reportedly superb audio-visual upgrades.

Quoth a Florida grad: "UF tailgaters are not nearly as friendly as at any other school or even NFL team. Find a bar instead and watch the other games." If you're bound and determined to experience Gainesville, however, arm yourself with the following native-tested tidbits:

• There's no central tailgating location. Revelers are spread out across the main campus and dorm areas. If you'd like the walking tour, our trusty embedded Gator alums suggest Anderson Hall along University for people-watching, Flavet Field for pickup football games, and the north end of the stadium where the local Hari Krishnas tend to gather.

• Getting to campus in the first place is more than half the battle. Several of our tipsters actually advise arriving the night before and getting a spot in the dorm lots on the west side of the stadium, then cabbing it back to the hotel. If you have to park on gameday, try and get a spot close to Archer Road, which clears out faster than University Boulevard after the game. For late arrivals, there's a $5 shuttle to the outlying parking lots, but lines can be horrendous. Quoth a tipster: "Prepare to leave early or spend a good hour in line. Better yet, go grab yourself a drink at the Union and wait for the last shuttle -- no lines and no traffic." Also recommended: Free parking and lesser-known tailgating areas around Shands Hospital.

• Hey, who wants to see an alligator? Set up on Lake Alice along Museum Road. (Dr. Saturday, while not a real doctor, reminds you that actual interaction with a live alligator is probably not the healthiest life choice.)

• There's a huge police presence in Gainesville on gameday, which we know won't be an issue for our angel readers, but do note they've apparently started enforcing open container laws. Pack your Solo cups.

What to Wear.
Whatever you don't mind sweating through. One of the first things you'll notice if you're an SEC fan is the notable lack of coeds dressed to the nines. They don't dress up here. It's too abominably hot. Girls have it easier -- wrap up in a couple strips of fabric and you're good to go. For gentlemen, this is where we'd normally head to our bottomless well of jorts jokes, but that was before we discovered the glory of stadium-themed underoos:

If your stadium's nickname isn't printed on a pair of drawers, it's probably not worth visiting.

Pregame Stops.
 • Burrito Bros., 1402 W. University Avenue. A UF legend. Be prepared to stand in line.
 • If you're just leaving the airport and famished, try Satchel's Pizza, 1800 NE 23rd Avenue.
 • The Swamp, 1642 W. University Avenue. The Swamp has been described both as "cool and fratty" and "overpriced and overrated", which should tell you whether it's for you.
 • Cafe Gardens, 1643 NW 1st Avenue. Comfy place to get a drink after the game, but closes at 11 p.m.
• 101 Cantina, 201 SE 2nd Avenue. Brand-new place with a tiki bar in the back.
• The Top, 30 N Main Street, for our vegetarian comrades.

Postgame Stops.
 • For something called "Free Beer Saturday" and cheap pitchers Friday night, Grog House, 1718 W University Avenue.
 • For not-free wine, The Alcove, 110 S Main Street.
 • For the heights of clever rivalry pranks, head to Balls, 1716 W University Avenue.
 • Salty Dog, 1712 W University Avenue. Spitting distance to the stadium and the immediate postgame stop of choice for many alums since the demise of the Purple Porpoise.
 • Copper Monkey, 1700 W University Avenue. Another stadium-adjacent watering hole; will be mobbed all day and night.
 • To finish off your evening, our starch-and-fat sommelier recommends a couple slices at Italian Gator, 1728 W University Avenue.

What to Drink.
Gatorade and [booze goes here]. As much as you can of whatever you can get your hands on; don't count on the swamp air to hydrate you. Rum drinks for the older alumni set, Red Bull and Jager-based drinks for the students and recent grads. And don't underestimate the importance of a Gator Chaser, the cheap beer you keep in one hand to balance the "real drink" in the other. (And once again, whatever you do, don't confuse this with the idea of chasing an actual Gator. We are hereby absolved of responsibility for reptile encounters.)

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Thanks this week to Orson Swindle, TCOAN, J.W. Hannaway, and mlmintampa.
Holly welcomes your adulation and veiled threats at nastinchka-at-yahoo, etc.