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Sat Nov 14, 2009 5:17 pm EST

A partial account of Dexter McCluster's exploits amidst the Volunteers

By Matt Hinton

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Ole Miss 42, Tennessee 17. Ole Miss' all-purpose star, Dexter McCluster, had a career day to say the least in the Rebels' biggest win of the season, in which the senior speedster ...

• Accounted for two-thirds of the Rebels' total yards from scrimmage and outgained Tennessee's entire offense, 324 yards to 275, with four touchdowns to the Vols' two.

• Averaged 11.2 yards per touch, with gains of 15, 17, 20, 23, 15, 32, 16, 16 and 71 yards, during which he contemplated the opening chapter of his forthcoming thesis, "Flux Calibration for a Chaotic Torsional Pendulum." Tennessee had five plays of 15 yards and none longer than 25.

• Led a halftime discussion of the recently released, posthumous Nabokov novel, cobbled together from the author's hand-written notes and published against his explicit wishes by his son, and the implications of sacrificing the artist's personal wishes regarding unfinished work for the perceived benefit of the literary canon -- or even just for sales.

• Performed his own modified version of the Heimlich maneuver on a small child choking on a kernel of popcorn behind the Rebel bench, also correcting her degenerative scoliosis in the process before politely rebuffing her older sister's breathless offer to "repay him."

• Personally gained more yards against Tennessee than the Vols allowed to Florida's entire offense (323) in September or to Alabama's offense (256) last month. McCluster's total against UT also outpaced Western Kentucky, UCLA and Georgia's entire offensive outputs against the Vols, and he personally accounted for more points (24) than any offense against Tennessee except Auburn (26) and Memphis (28).

• Briefly left the stadium to pull a pregnant woman from her vehicle following a small car crash in the parking lot and assisted in the delivery of a healthy baby boy (name: Dexter). Swaddling the newborn in his No. 22 jersey, McCluster took off down the road to apprehend the drunk driver accused of causing and racing away from the hit and run, eventually agreeing in a fit of sympathy to represent the repentant man in his court proceddings on a pro bono basis in exchange for his promise to enroll in a rehabilitation program on Monday morning.

• After the game, finally converted Tennessee assistant Ed Orgeron from his former head coach's deeply-held Cajun Mesopaganism to a progressive, nondenominational version of Christianity, overseeing Coach O's baptism in the south end zone and convincing a skeptical Monte Kiffin to at least take an informational tract.

• Delivered the second-highest single-game total in yards from scrimmage in Division I-A this season, and the highest total in the SEC (besting Mark Ingram's 269-yard effort against South Carolina) by more than 50 yards.

• Initiated a new fight song in the student section, "From Dexter With Love," emphasizing harmony and charity among all of humanity.

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12 Comments

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  1. Peter D
    1. Posted by Peter D Sat Nov 14, 2009 5:42 pm EST

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    its funny cuz Orgeron never played him when he was at the helm at miss
  2. MOSScomeBACK2vikes
    2. Posted by MOSScomeBACK2vikes Sat Nov 14, 2009 6:43 pm EST

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    Not an Ole Miss fan but have seen a few of their games. I dont think that they give this guy the ball often enough. Against S. Carolina on that Thursday Night he was no where to be found
  3. smock514
    3. Posted by smock514 Sat Nov 14, 2009 7:36 pm EST

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    That's a hilarious (and completely factual!) summary of Dexter's ridiculous game. Afterwards, he won a game of Connect Four in three moves, and later led a horse to water AND made it drink. I'd heap on more praise, but my brother is a Tennessee alum. :|
  4. just4funsies
    4. Posted by just4funsies Sat Nov 14, 2009 9:08 pm EST

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    Tennessee will be good team someday... probably one of the best in the All-Penitentiary League. But they're sure not good yet, in spite of the noble spin their PR machine and fan base has tried to put on each of their several losses this year. Maybe this latest beat-down will teach Lame Kiffin not to lead with his mouth. I've got stuff hanging in my CLOSET that's older than this guy. He has done NOTHING thus far in his young career to warrant attention, much less respect. Time to shaddup and pay your dues, Kiffin.
  5. Sam
    5. Posted by Sam Sat Nov 14, 2009 9:25 pm EST

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    As an UT alumni, it is embarrassing to see that great football tradition be turned into a soap opera. The younger Kiffin needs to learn that winning on the field is all you need to do to be worthy of bragging. The Vols will get better and maybe Lane will learn humility.
    With this said, there is no doubt that Ole Miss was the much better team today and they proved it.
    I look forward to seeing Dexter playing on Sundays, in the near future.
  6. Dan
    6. Posted by Dan Sat Nov 14, 2009 10:58 pm EST

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    Hardcore Gator fan here but I'll give props to this kid. He stole the show today. I was sitting there hoping Snead would throw the ball at Kiffins face and then Bam!! McClusterstarts making some great runs and throwin down some moves. It was Spectacular to the look on kiffens face. McCuster showed some class talent today and he should go far.
  7. bp4ut
    7. Posted by bp4ut Sun Nov 15, 2009 2:30 am EST

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    Talk all the crap you want about Kiffin, cause in a couple of years you will be thinking he knows what he is doing. It is had to win with crappy talent that fat phil brought in, these guys would struggle to start for Big Ten teams. I am a huge UT fan and go to most of their games, but face it we have very little talent. I am very proud of what they have been able to do this year, and Kiffin knows what he is doing, look at the recruiting. I hope Janzen Jackson realizes how much he costed the team, Ole Miss was smart enough to take advantage of his absence. I have to say UT was not ready mentally for this one, no matter what they say about the distraction. We made an average player look like the greatest player of all times, our high school could keep him from getting 50 yards. Heck, I could have ran for 250 yards against that horrible display of defense. So, that just lets you know when you are pressed for talent, one guy makes a difference, even the commentators recognized that. Congrats to Ole Miss, they were the better team today.
  8. Randy
    8. Posted by Randy Sun Nov 15, 2009 4:18 am EST

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    "We made an average player look like the greatest player of all times, our high school could keep him from getting 50 yards"
    You lost credibility with that comment. This was not the first time an SEC team got McClusterF'ed. He is a good back if not a great college back.
  9. Curtis S
    9. Posted by Curtis S Sun Nov 15, 2009 7:38 am EST

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    Simply stated, DMc was fun to watch yesterday. He always is, but yesterday was his day.
  10. kera
    10. Posted by kera Sun Nov 15, 2009 12:54 pm EST

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    On another note, how could a head coach watch one of his players lie on the field for 20 minutes without at least going out there to check on him. Even the player's parents came out of the stands and on to the field to be with their son, but no Kiffin. he stood on the sidelines pondering his next defensive play with his dad(the defensive genius that gave up almost 400 yards to one player). Must have been a good one since Ole Miss ran right through them for a TD.
    What a class act.
  11. Conrad C
    11. Posted by Conrad C Sun Nov 15, 2009 6:38 pm EST

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    Congratulations to Ole Miss for beating Tennessee for the first time in over 20 years. Maybe you can do it again in another twenty.
  12. touchdowntony
    12. Posted by touchdowntony Sun Nov 15, 2009 7:09 pm EST

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    He handles sizzling fajita platters with his bare hands. He once had an awkward moment, just to see what it perhaps would feel like. He ran for more yardage by himself in one games vs. Tennessee, than the entire Alabama team. Dexter McCluster is...the most interesting man in the world! LOL!

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