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The Dagger - NCAAB

The Dagger

Tue Mar 10 09:59am EDT

Your newest March Madness excuse: A vasectomy

By Eamonn Brennan

At this point in our popular culture, are fake NCAA tournament-related excuses even worth the lie? Everyone knows you're not sick. Everyone knows your well-worded and apologetic email is a cleverly disguised ruse for your day of beer and brackets and basketball, and nobody cares. They're probably doing the same thing.

Still, some workplaces are not so forgiving, and we are in a recession -- you don't want to be that guy. You're a hard worker. You would only miss work for something super serious, like you and your spouse's not-lightly-reached decision to make yourself forever sterile. That's brilliant! If you schedule your vasectomy during the NCAA tournament, you can lay around and watch TV all day and no one can be mad about it. That's a legitimate excuse!

My friends, the Oregon Urology Institute is one step ahead of you:

Since a vasectomy requires a few days of rest, the people at ORI reasoned what better time to get vasectomy than March Madness, when you have a good excuse to sit on the couch? The office has 24 prime slots to get the surgery during the first couple days of the tournament. Anyone who gets the surgery, which costs around $1,000 if you're paying out of pocket, gets to take home a kit that consists of an ice chest and frozen peas. Terry FitzPatrick said business was up 10 percent during tournament days last year and the publicity over the promotion helped push the vasectomy business in the office up 10 percent for the year.

They're calling it "Vas Madness." I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or wince in horrific -- thankfully hypothetical -- pain.

Speaking of which, according to Wikipedia up to 35 percent of vasectomy patients suffer a long-term complication known as "Post-Vasectomy Pain Syndrome," in which a patient suffers varying degrees of "genital pain" for the rest of his life. In other words, if you don't actually need a vasectomy, for the love of God, find another excuse.

(HT: The Mouthpieces)

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