Remember the story from last week about Stanley Pringle, the Penn State player who was accused of popping his pringle in a university library? Not true, he says!

Pringle told police he has "a bad habit of putting his hand down his pants," and demonstrated for the officer by placing his hand down the front of his sweatpants, according to the complaint.

"Why would I need to masturbate?" he told police. "This is how I chill, ma'am."

[...]

After being informed of the victim's report during an interview with police, Pringle first denied being at Pattee Library last Thursday, but then remembered he had been there and recalled his conversation with the victim, according to the criminal complaint.

According to the criminal complaint, a woman said Pringle sat down on top of a desk behind her and asked if she wanted to purchase some hand lotion he was selling for the basketball team.

[...]

The woman told police that Pringle then answered his ringing cell phone and proceeded to make "moaning sounds" and "sounded like he was short of breath."

Frightened, the victim said she sent a text message to her friend asking for her to call her so she had an excuse to leave the area, according to the criminal complaint.

Sweetheart, if you need an excuse to leave the area, I think the fact that there's a dude right next to you, masturbating would suffice.

I know that the Penn State basketball team isn't exactly a group of worldbeaters, and they don't pack the house every night, but I didn't know things were so bad that they had to have players out there selling hand lotion. It reminds me of the time I had to go door-to-door selling yogurt with my magical yogurt maker. I'm still not allowed back in that neighborhood.

And I'd officially like to nominate Penn State's Daily Collegian as the best student newspaper in the history of the world.

Related: Big Ten Basketball, Ill-behaved People